Safe People

Have you ever known someone whom you just couldn't get close to? Despite sharing a best friend, or a close community, you feel as though you're the only one who just can't cross the comfortable line with this person. There's nothing you can put your finger on that's wrong with this particular person. No glaring flaws. No incongruities. No drama or discord. No bad habits that irk you. Just a strange discomfort in getting close to the person.

The invisible window we open to those we trust, which allows breezy air to blow through the relationship, cools the atmosphere with comfort and peace. But none of this exists with that certain person.

In fact you begin to rack your brain. Could it be me? Do I have a glaring flaw? Am I causing the discomfort? Is there hypocrisy or irritations pouring out of me? Why do I sense distrust?

With the wisdom of a dear, yet distant friend, I've learned this situation is not the result of anyone's sins. There are just relationships that are safe and those that are not. Once we understand what a "safe person" is, we can enter into any circle of people with an accurate perception of boundaries. We have a manual for building relationships accurately rather than trying to inauthentically deepen the wrong relationships.

Traits of "SAFE PEOPLE"

Safe people...

1. Are NOT threatened, nor jealous

2. Celebrate your victories

3. Are Aware of their own sinfulness 

4. Share their sins in a vulnerable way 

5. Share their current struggles 

6. Are Trustworthy -- keep things in confidence 

7. Guard what they know about others

8. Respond rather than react* 

*the safer we feel the more we respond instead of react

The lightbulb struck me with this list. I had never heard this particular person share any current struggles or sins in a vulnerable way, so I in turn, guarded myself and didn't authentically share much of my own struggles. Thus, neither of us seemed to be aware of our own sinfulness while in each other's company. The result was an awkward and poorly constructed relationship based on perceived superficiality, not a genuine, trustworthy friendship.

The tricky part occurs in circles that are "supposed" to be safe, circles like church communities or extended families. But just because a person is safe for someone else in the group doesn't make him/her safe for you. You have to understand the dynamics and boundaries in order to love the person the way God is intending you to love him/her and also protect your own heart and mind from comparison or faulty judgements.

When you naturally want to be vulnerable and open in order to connect with people, you open yourself up to incongruent relationships that only leave you incorrectly judged or judging. Don't force closeness if it is not natural. Sometimes God calls us into sanctifying community, and other times He calls us out of the idolatry of unhealthy community.  Either way, we are blessed to have a handful or even a couple of safe and sincere friendships. Whenever I have asked God for friends who will sharpen and encourage me in a healthy way, He has always provided!

I'm thankful that one perk of traveling is that it's building our boys to be safe spaces for each other, and learn how to find safe people out there.

~Carefully & Carelessly Safe