Too BIG for Me

I remember not wanting to leave my boys when they "needed" me for their physical comfort. Now I physically need a break from them for my own comfort. Instead of security, I'm like the blanket or stuffed animal that they don't want to want anymore. It's a part of their weaning process of course, but it's emotionally exploitive.

I'm cuddled with one second, and then I'm run over with a proverbial bike the next. Tread marks across my face and small, yet heavy, boots stomping repeatedly on my heart, making sure everyone sees that I am not "needed" anymore. They will go so far as to throw me in a dumpster if their indepence is threatened.

But give them a little time, a little space, and usually a lot of food and sleep, and these little/big souls begin to revive. My tweens (and wannabes) come affectionately back to me, wanting to prove I'm their favorite person in the world. This pattern repeats itself over and over until (Lord willing) maturation finishes. Then they are weaned of insecurities, and they can rest content in their manhood.

My heart is not proud, Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content. (Psalm 131:1-2)

I am guilty of trying to prove to God that I am fully mature too. Don't we all desire independence and respect? Until our dying breath we fight to perform tasks at will. I want to be a part of the adult conversations with God. I want reasons, affirmations, and encouragement that I'm big enough to handle what He's doing, but I also want to be cuddled and shielded from the hard parts. I don't want to be left alone in the dark wilderness of fear. "LORD, when you favored me, you made my royal mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed." (Psalm 30:7)

But God says, "Do not concern yourself with great matters, or things too wonderful for you" (Psalm 131:1). Trust me like a weaned child, not striving or complaining for more. When you are hungry and ready to eat I have food for you that you know nothing about, but you must trust me first.

I am being weaned of insecurities that vacillate my faith, wanting the best of both worlds. I want the frontline independence with the great shield of the back row. Am I not another maturing child taking steps in obedience trying to walk on higher ground before I'm ready?

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." (Psalm 139:6)

"Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." (Job 42:3)

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." (Ecclesiastes 11:5)

I must learn to sit still and enjoy the mysteries of life, not concerning myself with things too lofty or wonderful for me to comprehend. I must stop trying to figure it all out ahead of time. Mysteries belong to God. I can only do what is before me, forgetting what is behind, and pressing into whatever He allows.

As Chambers reminds me, "What God is doing with me isn’t [other people's] business—but neither is it mine. You have no business trying to find out where God is leading you. The only thing God will explain to you is himself." (utmost.org, July 8) May I know more of Him.

My boys want me to respect them as men, but they also have to learn to trust and obey what they aren't ready to comprehend. As this sensitive season unfolds, I must give them grace to wean into contentment because I am weaning too. Give me grace God to mature into the calling you've created for me.

Not wanting more. Not wanting less. Content in Him for He is more than enough.

~Maturing Carefully & Carelessly